I'm not homeschooling anymore. Just typing that was like lifting the world off of my shoulders and watching it crash into the ground. An Atlas shrug. I can list a thousand reasons why I stopped, but then it would be like I was trying to justify my decision to you. Suffice it say, it was a decision long in the making. It was painful.
Homeschooling was more than a school choice, it was a way of life. It was the sound of feet pounding through my house all day. It was spontaneous hugs, kisses, and cuddles. Now, it's gone. Of course, my kids aren't gone. I still get to have them with me in the afternoons. I enjoy them even more because now, I get to miss them.
Maybe they'll go to school for one year or ten. I don't know. What I do know is that I feel better. Slower, refreshed, and less like the entire future of my children's lives is resting on how I spend every moment of every day. It turns out that I'm not the mom I thought I was. I strove to be her, but she was always just beyond my grasp. I really am this other mom. A mom who wants a career. A mom who can say good-bye to her kids every morning.
I have to be honest and authentic or I will be crazy. So, here I am, doing what I love to do, doing what I have dreamed of doing - I am writing, and the only sound in the house is the whirring water that's racing in circles inside of my dishwasher. I miss my children, but not enough to bring them back home, yet. Which mom am I, again? Oh, yeah, I'm the happy one.